IT WAS MINE, NOT HIS!!!!!

I had a major explosion of feelings tonight. I am angry at my uncle Ray for him taking my innocence away. He molested me and probably sexual abused me but I don't remember that. He toke away the one thing I was suppose to be able to give away to that special person. He toke it from me. It was not his to take. I am angry because he toke away the joy and happiness that is suppose to accompany making love. It's not that for me. He made it dirty and something bad. Why could he do that to a family member let alone a young child. I don't understand why? Why did it have to happen to me? It's not fair. I know life's not fair, but it seems like I have had too many bad breaks. And now I'm dealing with this depression and anxiety that has seemed to put everything in my life on hold. I'm trying to move forward. I'm trying to set some goals and meet them. I feel like I'm never going to accomplish the goals I've set. It seems like I take one step forward then 5 steps back. I seemed to finally be feeling better and now I'm back to where I was or worse. It's not fair. Everything that happened to me as a child affected all my life. It affected every relationship I had or would have had. It affected how I handled life or didn't handle life. I tried to not let it affect me but it did. I guess pushing it to the back of my head for so long has not stopped it from affecting me. I guess it is time for me to hit it head on and finally deal with everything about what Ray did to me. It's kinda funny, but I have always not dealt with anything that might bring me pain and in the long run it has just brought me more pain. I hate confrontation about issues. I hate disappointing people. I hate not being in control. Well, see what I'm doing know. I hate the way I'm feeling but I know in the back of my head that I have to go through this or I can never have any resemblance oIT f a normal life. I don't know if I'm going to like the person that I become after this, but I will finally be free of it.