Just another day!!

I am not having a good day today. I woke up tired and am even more tired now. Caffeine is not helping to pump me up. I have been kinda down the last couple of days. Little things are getting to me. I almost cried today when I dropped my daughter off at school today. I don't know why, but I did. I'm thinking that I will need to up my meds. I have been on these meds for 4 weeks now and I'm feeling worse than I did when I started the meds. This getting the meds straight is a long process. I haven't been motivated to do much of anything. Really having a hard time. I have to try to put on a good face today. I have to go to school and take cupcakes for my daughter's classmates. Yesterday was her birthday and she wanted me to make cupcakes for everyone. She is so excited about it. I hope I don't disappoint her. She is really growing up. She is 7 now. I am so proud of her. She has been sick with an ear infection. She is better now.

I get so tired of feeling this way. I hate it. I just wish it would stop and I could be normal. I want to be my happy self again and enjoy things. Right now it is a challenge just to do anything. I can't even keep the house straightened up. I'm worried about how it night affect my classwork. I have been doing great, but this week I'm in the I don't want to do it phase. I am trying to remind myself that I don't have a choice when it comes to the schoolwork. I have to do it or I get a bad grade and that would devastate me. I've done everything I can to have a good grade. Thing is as soon as I finish this course next Monday, I start a new course on Tuesday. These classes are back to back. I see why they label you as a full-time student because there are not any breaks. Oh, I will et a two week break at Christmas. The good thing is I will be finished in September 2011. Well, I gotta go. I think I will take a nap. Maybe that will energize me. Have a great day. :)

So-So Mood

I have been in a So-So mood the last several days. I think my meds need to be upped. I was feeling better overall about 2 weeks ago. I have been busy with my online courses. That is why I haven't written lately. Plus i really haven't been in the mood. My psychologist told me to get back to the writing. So I will do a better job and try to write something daily. My last appointment with the psychologist went pretty good. He could tell I was not as good as I was the visit before. There were a couple of things that got to me. As I get closer to having to go back to school, I have started to have many dreams at night about it. I am real worried about the fact that I might not have a job when I return. Meaning that they will find something to let me go. I'm trying not to let it affect me but subconscoiusly it is. The second thing was my husband. He has not been as supportive lately. Not being loving and caring. He didn't even get me a card for Valentine's Day. I didn't want roses, just at least a card to say I love you. The psychologist told me I need to get an attitude about not letting what other people might think bother me. I need to get tough skin and say screw them. It's hard because I've been this way all my life. I'm trying but it is hard. I hope I start feeling like I did a couple of weeks ago. I take 2 steps forward and 1 backwards. I'll get better. I know it.

Have a great day. :)

It's been a while.

Well, I have not written in a while. I think the last time I wrote wore me out. A lot has happened in the week since I last wrote. I have been very tired lately. Drinking more caffeine than I probably should be, but it is the only way that I make it through the day without sleeping all day. I don't want to sleep all day, but I sure feel like it.

I started my master's classes. I had a three day workshop first. It helped to familiarize me with the website and the online classroom experience. I have now started my first class which is an introduction to graduate studies. I am kinda overwhelmed. I have been thinking that I must have been crazy for doing this at this time in my life. I wonder if I can do it. I think at times, I am too old for this. Then at times I know I can do this. I can get my Masters and change things in my life. I am trying to organize to help me feel better about everything. I think it is overwhelming at times because it is all online and I have never taken a course like this. I like computers, so I think it will work out okay.

I talked to the psychologist about how angry I have been. He said it was good because those feelings are coming out. I have hidden everything in the back of my head and my body is saying it is now time to let it out and deal with it. He also said that writing these post is very helpful. It is another way of getting it out of my head. He said that the most important thing to remeber is that I am the victim. There is nothing I could have done. He also said that my uncle is probably in the 1% of people who would do that to a little girl and then murder members of his own family. I've been trying to figure out what set it off. The only thing that I can think of is that I have been scanning pictures and maybe because I saw a picture of him, that set it off.

All I know is I am getting better. I'm not where I need to be yet, but I will get there.

Have a great night. :)

IT WAS MINE, NOT HIS!!!!!

I had a major explosion of feelings tonight. I am angry at my uncle Ray for him taking my innocence away. He molested me and probably sexual abused me but I don't remember that. He toke away the one thing I was suppose to be able to give away to that special person. He toke it from me. It was not his to take. I am angry because he toke away the joy and happiness that is suppose to accompany making love. It's not that for me. He made it dirty and something bad. Why could he do that to a family member let alone a young child. I don't understand why? Why did it have to happen to me? It's not fair. I know life's not fair, but it seems like I have had too many bad breaks. And now I'm dealing with this depression and anxiety that has seemed to put everything in my life on hold. I'm trying to move forward. I'm trying to set some goals and meet them. I feel like I'm never going to accomplish the goals I've set. It seems like I take one step forward then 5 steps back. I seemed to finally be feeling better and now I'm back to where I was or worse. It's not fair. Everything that happened to me as a child affected all my life. It affected every relationship I had or would have had. It affected how I handled life or didn't handle life. I tried to not let it affect me but it did. I guess pushing it to the back of my head for so long has not stopped it from affecting me. I guess it is time for me to hit it head on and finally deal with everything about what Ray did to me. It's kinda funny, but I have always not dealt with anything that might bring me pain and in the long run it has just brought me more pain. I hate confrontation about issues. I hate disappointing people. I hate not being in control. Well, see what I'm doing know. I hate the way I'm feeling but I know in the back of my head that I have to go through this or I can never have any resemblance oIT f a normal life. I don't know if I'm going to like the person that I become after this, but I will finally be free of it.

Starting to have some good days!!!

It's about time. I'm starting to have some good days. I'm still feeling tired, but I'm starting to sleep better and when I've gone out in public the anxiety has not been as bad. I didn't have to listen to music to distract me, but still not looking up. Still think people are starring at me. I'm trying to remember what my psychologist said. He wants me to try to talk to myself and say it doesn't matter what other people think of me. I kinda need a go to heck attitude about how other people think about me. That is something that I can't control. It's just hard because I've been like that for pretty much all my life.

Kenzie and I went and visited family yesterday. That was a great day. The girls had fun and Kenzie got to play the Wii with Meemaw and Uncle Adam. She had a blast. I spent time talking with Kari about possibly starting an Internet craft business. We are looking into it. We both have our things that we are suppose to research and then we will see from there.

I start my master program on Feb. 9th. I have an online workshop this week to get familiar with everything that I need to do. I am excited about this. Still a little nervous , but I know I can do it.

I am still more anxious about being around people I know. I am doing better, but I'm not sure if I can handle going back to school yet. I am going to try to go to church this weekend. I told Donnie, my husband, that we needed to sit at the back so I don't feel like everyone is watching me. We sit at the front and the people on the other side seem to be staring at me. I'm also going to try to call and get my hair cut. This has been hard for me to do because I don't know what people have been saying and how I will do talking at the shop. I know there are all kinds of rumors going around because the school can't official say why I'm out. That is illegal for them to do.

I'm going to try to get out for a ride today. It is a little cold so I am trying to wait until mid day to do so. That way it is a little warmer. If not, I'll get on my stationary bike.

Well, gotta go. Hope everyone is having a great and awesome day. :)