Getting Better!!

Well I'm getting better and making progress. We are still working on the meds. My psychologist visit went well today. He can tell I'm a little better, but I'm not fully better yet. If I keep doing what I'm doing and also exercising he said I will get better.

It's been hard to consider myself sick. He told me my diagnoses is major depression, panix attacks, and agoraphobia. That is what they put down for insurance. So if anybody ask, I can say this is what the insurance company hears from my doctors.

I have been accepted to University of Phoenix online. I have a workshop next week and will start Master's classes on Feb. 9th. I will do one class for 5 weeks, then advance to the next class.

I am reading Sarah Palin's book. She is my kid of person. I hope to learn a lot from her book about being confident and not worrying about what other people think.

Hope everybody is having a great day. :)

Doctor's Visit

The visit with the psychiatrist went well. We have adjusted the meds again. I am almost off the Zoloft and on Paxsil. The way I have been feeling is from withdrawal from the meds. I am looking forward to having it all working good. I will go back in 2 weeks to readjust meds some more. Hopefully, I will start to feel better and definitely by then.

I did an hour ride on the stationary bike. I went 11.1 miles. I felt pretty good. I am trying to exercise every day. I know it will make me feel better. Plus I want to reach my goal. The ride will either be 40 or 67 miles. There is not a 50 mile ride.

Have a great night. :)

Amazing!

It's amazing what people assume when you are not around. Some kids told my daughter Mackenzie that I got fired. I told her to tell them that I am home dealing with a sickness. I hate that she has to hear stuff like that.



It made me wonder what was being said at school and around town. Most of the time if kids are saying it, they are hearing it somewhere and most likely it is parents. I'm trying not to let it bug me, but it seems to keep popping back in my head.



I was able to accomplish a little today on my goal of getting organized and getting items ready for the garage sale. It felt good, but I didn't feel well the rest of the afternoon. I had a real bad headache. I've been trying to do as much as possible when I'm feeling good. I'm feeling like I did before the meds. I know the meds are not where they need to be yet. I am short tempered and have no patience. My husband is really getting on my nerves right now. Everything is my fault. I hate it when he does that stuff.



I rode on the stationary bike yesterday. I am trying to work on it more right now until I get a little better in shape. Then I will be able to get out more and handle it better. It looks as if I will either get a 40 mile or a 67 mile ride in May. They don't have a 50 mile ride. I will probably go one day and drive the route. Then make the decision on which one I will do. It will be great to accomplish this goal.



I meet with the psychiatrist tomorrow. I will get to see how my meds will change. I have the psychologist on Wednesday. I remember that this is what I have to do to get better.



I have been thinking more about my master program. I am a little nervous thinking that I will not be able to do it. It has been so long since I did that much studying that it scares me. I am going to give it all I have. I feel that this is where God is leading me. I've got to stop questioning.



Hope everyone out there has a great night. :)

Good Day!!

Well, today was a good day. We went to watch Kenzie play basketball. My sister-in-law Dori, sister-in-law Kari, and brother Adam went with me for moral support. The game went real well. I was anxious but not as bad as before. I think it helped that I had all the support from my family. I hope they realize how much that meant to me. My sister-in-laws really are sisters and my brother has always and continues to be a great brother.

Kenzie did a great job in the game. She almost scored her first points this season. She shot and it hit the backboard. It was like the second play of the game. She did a great job on defense. Her girl never scored a point.

Kenzie and her cousin Kathryn got to play together when we got back to the house. They play so well together. Kenzie is being a good big cousin. Kathryn is so cute. Anywhere Kenzie goes, Kathryn follows.

I'm feeling pretty good today. Still tired. If it wasn't for caffeine, I would be asleep all day right now. I was still shaky and a little tight chested as times during the game. I tried to keep the positive talking going with some deep breathing. It seems as if it gets a little easier every time. I think where it gets me the most is at home because these people know me. Sometimes amongst strangers the symptoms are not as bad. I am still waiting for the medicine to get straightened out.

The more I think about the Masters degree, the more I believe it is the right move for me. This would give me options. That is something right now I do not have. Then I just need to let the rest go to God. What will happen will happen because it was meant to happen. If I am to still teach then that path will open. If I am meant to go to administration in Health Care then that path will open. I say this but I have to believe it.

I hope everyone had a great day. Thanks again to my family for being there for me. :)

Interesting

I have had an interesting couple of days. Wednesday, I did not accomplish anything. I felt horrible and just slept. Yesterday was an okay day. I was able to accomplish some things. I felt okay. Today, I am not feeling well again. I am ready for a nap. It seems that the only way I can stay awake is to keep the caffeine coming. I haven't had much caffeine today.

The thing I accomplished is that I think I have a way to get out of teaching. I have applied to get a Masters in Health Care Administration Informatics. This would allow me to work pretty much in any hospital or clinic. It also specializes in computer technology which is real good since the health care industry has to be computerized by 2012. I would be able to take the course online through the University of Phoenix. I would be considered a full time student even though it won't feel like it. I will take a course for 5 weeks then move on to the next. It will take me 1 /2 years to complete. The problems is I have to get my husband excited about the deal especially since it will have to go on a student loan because we are not eligible for grants this year. Maybe next year I will be eligible. I think this is a great opportunity. One of the issues I have had with teaching is I felt like there was no where for me to go with that degree. Now I have a way out.

I am nervous. I wonder if I can still do it in regards to the grades. I think I can. This has seemed to give me an out if the school will not let me just teach elementary PE. I have an option and that makes me feel much better.

Still can't wait to get some energy back. I have not had any desire to exercise. I hate this.

I hope everyone has a great day. :)

Feeling Tired!

I am feeling real tired. I bet it has something to do with the switch in meds. I'm also having a heard time getting motivated. I did motivate myself enough to go for a 4.2 mile ride yesterday. I will try to do the recumbent today (if I get motivated). I enjoyed the ride yesterday, but am definitely out of shape.

I am feeling like I did before. When I even think about work I start get the thought that I can't do it any more. I had a comment from another person who used to be a teacher. I had commented how I missed the kids. She said you will always miss the kids but you have to consider your health and because of your health how good of a teacher are you really being. She said it was nice to go through a day and feel good. She said you have to consider how the teaching affects you and then also affects your behavior with your family. This made sense to me. I'm just not sure if I can handle it anymore.

If I am unable to go back to teaching, I will have to go back to school and do something in computers because that is something I can do from home. I don't know what is going to happen. I've just got to wait until my meds are working and I can make a good decision and see what the doctor's say.

The hard part of all of this is how I talk to myself. I am my worst critic. I wonder sometimes if I am really sick. I have talked to the doctor's about this and they said that I have to let myself heal. If all you can do is sleep, then sleep. I don't need to kick myself when I'm already down.

I hope everyone has a great day. :)

Fighting Hard in Battle

Well, I'm fighting hard in this battle against depression and anxiety. Today I will start riding my bike again with the goal of doing a 50 mile ride in May. This exercise will definitely help my serontin levels in the brain. They say exercise is a must for people with depression and anxiety.

My daughter is sick. I had to take her to doctor yesterday. I did pretty good being out. She has a cold and an inflamed or infected lymph node or salivary gland. Started medicine yesterday. She should be feeling better soon.

I am making contact with some old friends. This helps me to have someone to talk too. The psychiatrist said because of my history I have a hard time making life-long friends. It comes down to a trust issue with adults because the adults in my past did not protecting me against the abuse. I hope to fix this and be a better friend and make more life-long friends.

My husband is working today. He will not be in Saturday in time to go to the Little Dribblers game for my daughter. I an anxious about going by myself. I am going to ask my sister-in-law if she would like to go with me. Maybe that will help. I'm getting better, but it's still there.

Hope everyone out there has an awesome day. :)

Better Day!!

I did better yesterday at my daughter's little dribblers basketball game. I still focused on the camera and listened to music, but I didn't feel as panicky. I still felt bad when we were out doing shopping. Too many people.

I didn't go to church this morning because I have been real anxious at church and I did not want to get started first thing in the morning being anxious. My psychologist said to see how it makes you feel and then decide if you can handle it. I had a good meeting with the psychologist the other day. We talked about many things. One statement that stuck out is that people do not know how to respond to people with mental illness. That's why lots of times they will do something odd when dealing with a person with mental illness. That makes sense to me. I was that way about people in wheel chairs with multiple disabilities. That was until I started working with kids with multiple disabilities and realized that I was stupid in the past.

I am starting a new goal today. I want to be ready to ride in a 50 mile bike ride by May. I used to do 25 miles pretty easy so now I want to challenge myself a little more. I also hope that if I document my goal that it will encourage me a little more. Plus, it will get me motivated to exercise which is a necessity for someone with anxiety and depression. I'll be posting updates for you on the new goal. The old goal off getting items ready for garage sale is going good. I'm making good progress.

Hope everyone out there has a good day. :)

Accomplished Some

I accomplished some things yesterday. I got some of my daughter's old baby clothes marked and ready for the garage sale. Still did not feel real well. Besides the switch in medicine, I think the rain stirred something up with my allergies. I had a sore throat real bad last night and was up most of the night. Could not sleep because of drainage down my throat. Body still hurts and still real tired. Of course not sleeping good at night is not helping the tired feeling.

I just got my daughter off to school. She will have off on Monday for MLK day. She has a little dribblers game tomorrow in town at the old gym. I am already anxious about being out. She is also having pictures before the game. Hope to see some improvement over the last game.

I've loaded up on coffee (sure like the Keurig single cup coffee maker I received for Christmas)and need to get started working on more garage sale items.

Hope everyone out there has a great day. :)

Still Raining

This is a gloomy day.

Rainy Day

Today is a rainy day. It will be raining for about 3 days.

Yesterday was a tough day. I have started changing to dosage on meds to switch to the new meds. I was tires, unmotivated, and my body hurt. I did not accomplish anything yesterday. I slept and had a short temper. I think until we get my dosages right it will be tough. I am looking forward to the point when we get the meds right and my therapy is doing good. I hate feeling like this. It is not me. I'm better than this. I try to keep reminding myself that I have a disease and it takes time to beat this disease. I don't know if I can beat it, but I can control it with meds. I was told that I will be on meds the rest of my life.

I am trying to get motivated today. Need to get back to labeling the garage sell items. I'll let you know how that goes tomorrow.

Everybody out there have a great day! :)

Finally getting some answers!!

Yesterday was a tough day. I met with my psychiatrist for the 1st time. Her main goal is to care for the medicine. She already adjusted my medicine. She is slowly getting me off of Zoloft and putting me on Paxsil CR. I am still on the Abilify but only 10 mg. and will go to 5mg. next week. It was nice to have someone that really understood the medicine. I felt that is what I really needed. We also talked about my past and what was happening to me now. At the end of the session, she said that there is no coincidence that my daughter is 6 and when I was 6 I was molested by my uncle. She said subconsciously that may be why this is happening. See still wants me to be out on FMLA. I just hope that my disability insurance will kick in. I am also still to go to my psychologist. HE will deal more with the emotional part and the psychiatrist will deal more with the meds.

On a better note, my daughter and I played Wii together last night. It was fun. I just want to be a better Mom to her than my Mom was to me. I want to protect her from anything bad happening to her. I have communicated about our bodies and what to do if somebody tries to touch her private parts. I want her to be prepared if something did happen to her.

I pray it never happens to her.
Well, got to get started on my goal pf getting garage sale items ready. Hope everyone out there has a great day. :)

A Nice Day

Today I have been working on my goal of getting things ready a garage sale. I have been going through my daughters old baby clothes. It's hard to believe that she was ever that small. Amazing how fast they grow. I have felt pretty good today. I have been at the house except to take my daughter to school and basketball practiceand picking her up from school. I started to get a headache when I went to pick her up. I meet the psychiatrist tomorrow. I am taking a list of my meds. Now I'm going to be on cholesterol medicine as well as everything else. I feel like my body is doing as bad as my brain. My next goal is to get back in shape.

Hard Day

Today was a tough day. I was out in the public and I felt horrible. I tried to make it through by using deep breathing & listening to music. I didn't feel better until I got home.