Summer's coming!!!

One week left in school. It will be a busy week, but hopefully it will fly by fast. My daughter is looking forward to summer. She is ready to be a third grader.

Next Monday will be a tough day on me. I am planning on talking to my husband about divorce. He is mentally and verbally abusive and I can no longer take it. I think some of this abuse has led to my depression and anxiety battle. I wanted to have this talk about 2 months ago, but my psychiatrist wanted me to get through school first before I faced the divorce battle. I will see the psychiatrist Tuesday. She had mentioned last time about uping my meds through this time. We will see what happens. I am worried about how the talk will go. I tried five years ago to divorce him and he threatened suicide and I backed down. This time I think I am mentally prepared on how to react if he pulls that again. I just want the talk to be done with so I will know what I am dealing with in the future. I pray that he will be a good father and make sure that his daughter is cared for by paying child support. If he doesn't it will be hard but I will find a way through it. I pray that he will see that what is most important is our daughter. She needs to have as much security as possible. I'm hoping he will leave and not be a butt about it. I think it is important for my daughter to be in the house that she has lived in since birth. If he doesn't we will stay with my brother and his family for a while until I find a new place to live. Pray for us during this time.

It's been awhile!!

It has been a while since I last wrote. Things are much better. I have been working since last April. I am finally starting to feel like the same person I used to be at work. It has taken me awhile to feel like that. I made it through Cross Country and Basketball and am working on finishing out track. My classes are starting to get back to normal. I have started to teach like I used too.

I did have some thoughts of getting out of teaching, but my doctor thought I should give it some time. She thought it was the depression talking especially since I used to love teaching. I had thought about going to school to become a nurse. It is still in the back of my head. I just need to give teaching a few more years before I can decide to change.

One of the bad things about depression was the weight gain that occured. I ballooned to 225 lbs. I was feeling tired all the time and it seemed like anything I did to lose the weight just didn't work. After my doctor put me on an additional med to help me sleep at night, I have been able to tackle the weight gain. I am now down to 206 lbs. I have been counting calories. This has been good because I can still eat the foods I want but I just have to keep it under 1500 calories. My goal is to be at 190 lbs. by summer. That way I will look desent in a swimsuit for vacation. I will be getting back on the bicycle after spring break. My friend and I want to be able to ride in Waco in September. I think we are going to try 50 miles.

I still have bad days now and then. That is a heck of a lot better than having every moment being bad. I have come a long way and I plan on continuing to get better.

I will try and do a better job about writing.

Spring Break

Today is the second day of spring break. My daughter is having fun. Her cousin has been staying with us and they have been playing hard.

I am having a tough day today. I am just not feeling well. Having a hard time getting anything done. I have been trying to study but it seems impossible at times. I have been doing pretty good, but I still seem to have some bad days. I wonder if the meds need to be increased. Maybe that would help even more. I will see when I go to the psychiatrist next week. I go to the psychologist this week. I need to find out what they both think about going back to work. I need to go back to work on April 5th or I could be let go. We will see what they say. I am anxious about going back. Not sure how I am going to handle everything. My daughter wanted to go to the zoo the other day. So we took her. I did okay until it started getting crowded and then I needed to leave. Too many people around. I start to get anxious. I hate it because I use to be able to enjoy things like that. Now I would rather stay home. It has gotten to where I need to go the shopping early because if I don't I get to anxious. I am still better than before but still not like I use to be. I can't wait to be normal again.

Right now I just want to hide. It is just one of those days. I hope it will get better. Maybe it will be better when I go back to work. I just don't know how I am going to handle the crowds. Depression and anxiety are tough diseases to have. it just never seems to get totally better.

Have a great night. :)

OK. I Can Try!!!

Well, I am going to try to continue. If I stop my master's course not by dropping, I might jeopordize my student loan and I don't want to do that. I guess the biggest thing I was scared of is the fact that this is all new to me. I have made a major change and it is totally different from what I have done since I graduated college in 1992. I know in my heart that I can do this. I just need to keep talking positive to myself.

I had a pretty go 1st part of the day. I felt better this morning and accomplished some things. This afternoon, I am starting to feel like yesterday. It is weird how I can have a pretty good morning and almost be my normal self and now I start feeling like I can't do anything. It was nice this morning. I accomplished some things, got some school work done, and felt good. It was great. Maybe the meds are wearing off in the afternoon. Maybe they need to increase to meds. I did so well this morning that I didn't even write in my book until this afternoon.

I think I might be ready to go back to work. I am a little nervous about it, but I know I can do it. I just have to remember to take one day at a time. I really miss the kids. I also need to get field day set. I don't want to let the kids down any more than I already have by not being there for the last several months. Maybe it will do me some good to get out of the house. I t will be tough.

I am sure lucky. I have the best sisters. They have been listening to me and helping me through all of this. I don't think I could have made it without them. I always wanted a sister and now I have 2 great sisters.

My daughter will be excited for me to start back at school. I just better get ready to answer questions from the kids. I will also have to remember, what happens with the job will happen and there is nothing I can do about it. I just have to try and see if I can just teach PE. I do not think I can handle the pressure of coaching and the time restraints of coaching. I want to start riding with my daughter and walking with her. That way we can both get our exercise. Also my sister and I are going to start lifting weights.

I hope everybody has a great day. :)

I Can't Do It Right Now!!!

I am so stressed out about my master's course. I don't think I can do it right now. I don't want to quit, I just want to postpone it until I get stronger. I have been trying to do some of the assignments and nothing I am reading is sticking. I don't know how to do the post. I am just overwhelmed. I think I realized that I am at a bad spot right now and this is just adding to the pressure. The psychiatrist said the other day that I am a negative magnet right now and I know she is right. That is all that is coming into my head right now. I am writing like the doctor said and it seems like I am writing all day. If I keep this up, my little book will fill up quick. Is it wrong of me to stop this stress right now? I can here my husband now. He will say I told you so. But I can't handle the stress from college. I would not be happy with a bad grade and that would not look good. So I think I will call my academic counselor tomorrow and talk to her about this.

I tried to go for a ride today. I only made it a mile. It was cold and I could not make myself go. I need to be happy that I got that far, but I'm upset because I know I can do more. I feel a sleeping day coming one. I am ready to hide for a while. I am so tired. Tired of eating and gaining weight all the time, tired of this depression and anxiety, tired of being so negative. I just can't seem to get totally out of it. I think I am going to listen to my body and rest for a bit.

I know why now!!

I know why I am eating so much now. The psychiatrist said I am trying to fill a void. There is something I am missing and I am eating to try to fill that whole. The bad thing is it doesn't work. She said I may have had this void all my life. She said that I may never get it filled. Now I just need to figure out what that void is. She said that my meds may cause a little overeating. Both meds are known to do that.

I am to do more writing. When I feel the anger inside me, I am to write. I am also to answer my always thoughts with what is really happening. For example, if I say I am always wrong. I need to write two ways in which I have not been wrong. I am trying to feed the positive and starve the negative. Right now I seem to be real negative. So I have gotten a notebook to keep with me. I just have to keep everyone from reading it. It is my thoughts and I don't want people to see some of these thoughts.

I started feeling the weighted feeling in my chest. I had a beer. It seemed to calm me. I know I'm not suspose to, but I only have one on occassion. It just seems to ease me.

I have been thinking about why I am angry. I can think of a couple of things. First is I am still mad at Ray for what he did to me. I thought I had forgiven him back many years ago, but I guess inside my body I didn't. Next, I am still mad at him for taking the lives of my loved ones. He took them away to early and we missed out on the normal everyday life things. It was not his right to do that either. He just messed up my whole childhood. I never had a chance. I am also mad at my Mom for not protecting me from him. It was not my fault. She should have stopped him. Finally, I am mad at my husband for not being their for me. I need love and hugs and support from him and he is not giving that to me. All it seems I am here for is to take care of the animals, make his food, and do whatever he needs. He gets mad if I do anything else. I am getting to the point where I can't stand it any more. Maybe that is why all of a sudden I have started cramming food. I need love from him and I am not getting it from him. I don't know what to do.

I gotta go put Kenzie down. Have a great night. :)

Just Eat and Eat!!!

That is all I've done today. I think I have tried just about everything in the house. I don't know why I just can't seem to stop eating. I'm not eating because I am hungry. I don't know what I am looking for but I wish it would stop being food.

Getting nervous about my next course. Now I will get into more of the study I would need to become a good administrator. It's going to be hard to do these courses. I hope I don't get discouraged.

My husband and I are not seeing eye to eye. He is never happy when I take my daughter and we do things without him. I think he believes when he is at work I should be home waiting for him. He seems to be worried about someone to feed the animals and clean and cook his food. He didn't talk to me last night because when I got back from visiting my family, I didn't have him any food. He cooked him something, but he didn't start talking to me until this afternoon. I really can't handle this. I can barely handle dealing with my problems and then trying to deal with his anger, I just can't do it. Why can he be supportive of me like I was supportive of him when he was home sick and disabled? I don't understand. I really don't know if I can be with him forever when he is like this. He barely touches me and that pushed me away more. It's like we are just roommates.

I am getting so tired of feeling the way I do. I might have a okay day but then I have a bad one. Today I am sick and tired of feeling this way. Sometimes I think it would be better if I wasn't around. But I would not do that to my daughter. She means the world to me and I just want to be back to normal. Why is there always a down when there is an up? I just want to cry. I go to the psychiatrist tomorrow, maybe they will up the meds. We'll see.