I know why now!!

I know why I am eating so much now. The psychiatrist said I am trying to fill a void. There is something I am missing and I am eating to try to fill that whole. The bad thing is it doesn't work. She said I may have had this void all my life. She said that I may never get it filled. Now I just need to figure out what that void is. She said that my meds may cause a little overeating. Both meds are known to do that.

I am to do more writing. When I feel the anger inside me, I am to write. I am also to answer my always thoughts with what is really happening. For example, if I say I am always wrong. I need to write two ways in which I have not been wrong. I am trying to feed the positive and starve the negative. Right now I seem to be real negative. So I have gotten a notebook to keep with me. I just have to keep everyone from reading it. It is my thoughts and I don't want people to see some of these thoughts.

I started feeling the weighted feeling in my chest. I had a beer. It seemed to calm me. I know I'm not suspose to, but I only have one on occassion. It just seems to ease me.

I have been thinking about why I am angry. I can think of a couple of things. First is I am still mad at Ray for what he did to me. I thought I had forgiven him back many years ago, but I guess inside my body I didn't. Next, I am still mad at him for taking the lives of my loved ones. He took them away to early and we missed out on the normal everyday life things. It was not his right to do that either. He just messed up my whole childhood. I never had a chance. I am also mad at my Mom for not protecting me from him. It was not my fault. She should have stopped him. Finally, I am mad at my husband for not being their for me. I need love and hugs and support from him and he is not giving that to me. All it seems I am here for is to take care of the animals, make his food, and do whatever he needs. He gets mad if I do anything else. I am getting to the point where I can't stand it any more. Maybe that is why all of a sudden I have started cramming food. I need love from him and I am not getting it from him. I don't know what to do.

I gotta go put Kenzie down. Have a great night. :)